The Devil’s Food

I pretty much open my gob and shove anything remotely edible in, but there are a handful of foods which are not deserving of their inclusion anywhere.

Hot lettuce


Burnt too, it just gets better

I like lettuce when it has crunch, lovely in a salad and the perfect accompaniment in a sandwich, but under no circumstances grill that sandwich, the result it a sopping wet shrivelled slap of lettuce.  (that’s the sound it makes when you throw the wet off-green rag against the wall)

It’s also become quite popular to just fry up a whole little gem lettuce.  The result has the texture like sucking on hot wet toilet paper.  Stop it.  Stop it now.


Sigh.  I really hate this stuff.  It’s bad enough served on a plate, the corns all piled up like a mound of golden rabbit shit.  But it’s worse on the cob, it’s cumbersome to eat and then half of it becomes stuck in your teeth, kinda like how Madonna looks with her grills.


Just get dentures Madge

It gets mixed into tacos and salsa’s but this is like putting a nerd into an athletic sports team, it serves no purpose, it can’t compete with the spirited chilli or zesty lime.     Just go away.


See sweetcorn, similar size, equally pointless since it tries it’s darndest to avoid your fork.  The only way to eat them is to hold a funnel to your mouth and pour the whole lot in.   The shell sometimes slip off them and you have these little translucent epidermis on your plate.  They’re just awful.

There is only one way to eat peas and that is to mash them.  Mushy peas from a chippy are divine, and what better way to control an unruly pea from rolling around your plate evading capture than to blitz the fuck out of it.


Look at this abomination, hot lettuce and peas in a sickening orgy.

I have friends who have phobias about tomato ketchup or bean juice, any whiff of it near their food and they’ll frisbee the whole plate at the wall.  

What food gives you nightmares?  Discuss.